My Monday morning was not going as planned. And it wasn’t even 7AM, yet. Austin was up, coughing, right as my alarm was going off. Chris got up with him, but within minutes, he was at the shower door saying, “Hi!” It’s ridiculously cute, and I love getting to see him, but that turned into him wanting to shower with me. I did (there went 5 of my extra minutes), but letting him shower with me meant that before I could get myself dressed and made up, I had to go get a diaper, lotion, and clothes on him first. There went another 5 minutes. And we had to wave bye to the school bus. Of course, we had to wait a few minutes before it passed…. As I continued (or tried to) get my hair done, Austin followed me back into the bathroom and opened all the drawers. And of course, when Austin saw me putting clips in my hair, he wanted to put clips in his hair. Since I needed both hands to do my hair, he was pushing me all around the bathroom, trying to get me to move over, lift him, do his hair, let him do mine… My time just got sucked away from me. How could so much go so wrong, and so early in the day? I needed help, but instead of stopping to give my anger and frustration to the Lord, letting go, leaning on Him…. I had a mini meltdown. I hadn’t even gotten dressed yet.
I’m ashamed of the way I raised my voice to my toddler. I was telling him how he was ruining all my plans for the morning… like he had a clue what I was talking about. I lashed out at my husband. When my husband came to take Austin, Austin screamed. His screaming and crying just further raised my blood pressure. And then I cried. I cried over the fact that I woke up early to get everything done, all for naught. I cried because the pressure that was in my head when I lay down to sleep was still with me when I woke. I cried because I didn’t have time to create the image of myself that I try so hard to keep when I go into the office. I cried because my half-asleep husband wasn’t a mind reader. I cried because I feel like I have to manage everything by myself, even though I know I shouldn’t. I cried because of the way I acted towards my boys. I cried because I wasn’t the composed, godly woman I wished I was. I cried because I didn’t see Austin again before I left, and the last image he has of me is of me leaning over him, completely exasperated and frustrated.
I was running late, and walked out of the house, letting the door lock behind me. I remembered my jacket on this rainy morning, and stood outside waiting for my ride. I just breathed, and tried to pray my way out of the funk I was in. I hated how the morning turned out and wished I could do it all over. Right as my carpool got to my house, I realized I forgot to grab my laptop. Kinda needed that. So, had to go back in and get it. I am just thankful that my heart and mind were calming down enough that I remembered it. Of course, on the first rainy morning of the week, I was fully expecting that us leaving five minutes behind schedule, paired with the weather, meant that our commute was going to be terrible. But, oddly enough, the traffic was all going the other direction this morning, and we made excellent time. We got a good parking space, too.
I have since apologized to Chris for my behavior in the morning. I wish I could apologize to Austin before tonight, too. But that will have to wait. Chris says he’s been praying for me, so hopefully that means both of our days will get progressively better from the way I allowed them to start. I had some catch up time with a friend of ours today, and that was good for my heart, too. Without knowing lots of details about my day or our adoption, he was super encouraging, and trying to relay a sense of calm to me, and telling me to have faith.
And I feel better. I still hate how this day started, but there is not much that can be done about it, now. I’ll just keep praying my way through the day- which I should be doing anyway. Now, if I can just find a way to make a little quiet time, and to be still. To still my busyness. To still my heart…